New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
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Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Breaking news:
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.