They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
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mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.