Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
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Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.