My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
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GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Was it something I said?
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.