Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
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A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf