Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
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Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…