A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
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Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”