*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
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Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.