Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
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Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
The options really are this bad
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
mmm onion ringos
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.