On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
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Doormats are a gateway rug.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff