Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
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Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.