AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
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Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave