me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
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my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?