A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
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Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.