Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
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People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.