What’s a Messi?
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Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.