Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
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My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Breaking news:
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a