Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
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There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?