doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
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*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent