Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
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There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.