11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
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[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
That was easy.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.