“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
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I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor