“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
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My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.