RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
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Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little