No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
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JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
asked my bf how work was today
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
🤣😈🤣
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out