If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
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ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
estão todos miauvindo?
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
#Caturday
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there