It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
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Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Choose your fighter
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake