Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
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this is the news I live for
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut