I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
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“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.