“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
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Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.