A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.