If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
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My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Me My dog
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf