HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
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[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
The 4 stages of a family vacation
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.