YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
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[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
screw you
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.