My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
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[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find