Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
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when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.