I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
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[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Okey dokey.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.