Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
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i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Some people were born into their job.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.