Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
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Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.