[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
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*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
crochet youtube is brutal
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”