UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
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“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along