Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
You Might Also Like
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Life with a cat in one tweet
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
The smoothest fall of all time