When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
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THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO