[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
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Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.