There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
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Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Super Hand Dog Face
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
The biggest mystery of our time
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents