*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
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Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
everyone’s a critic
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
What if all the cashiers are married?
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives