Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
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Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Have a lovely day 😊
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
#StillHurts
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day