Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
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*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*