FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
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Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
(yawn)
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE