These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
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Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.